Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
