If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
