i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
