She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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