I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
