What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
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