final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
