True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
