I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
