Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
