The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
