wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
