highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
