her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
