I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
