I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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