Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
