How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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