I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
