We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
