They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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