Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize