Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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