i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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