my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
