bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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