You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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