WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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