She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize