I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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