No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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