ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Randomize
