i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?