so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
