the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just high enough for therapy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
