I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
