Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
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It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize