he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
