He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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