I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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