i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
