im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
