I can tuck mytits in my pants
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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