He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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