God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
