had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
