yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
