the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
