How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We left the knife in your bed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
