i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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