my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
