I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
