We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I wish there were birth control emojis
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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