I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
