I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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