I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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