he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
