the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think my moral compass just broke
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