the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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